W.C. Fields

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

Benjamin Franklin

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Winston Churchill

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

Dean Martin

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Frank Zappa

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Catherine Zandonella

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

His reply

Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.

Oscar Wilde

Work is the curse of the drinking class.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Thomas Hardy

Yes; quaint and curious war is! You shoot a fellow down you'd treat if met where any bar is, or help to half-a-crown.

Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Kaiser Wilhelm

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

George Jean Nathan

I drink to make other people interesting.

M*A*S*H, Hawkeye, "Ceasefire,"

I'll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.

Homer Simpson

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

Author Unknown

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Author Unknown

Draft beer, not people.

Raymond Chandler

I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it.

Samuel Johnson

This is one of the disadvantages of wine: it makes a man mistake words for thought.

Lady Astor

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

W.C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Author unknown

It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble an automobile, and one nut to scatter it all over the road.

Frank Sinatra

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

Author Unknown

Remember: "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Graham Greene

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.

Jean Kerr

Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.

Lord Chesterton

No animal ever invented anything so bad as drunkeness - or so good as drink.

Scottish Proverb

They speak of my drinking, but never think of my thirst.

Homer Simpson

Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.

Kin Hubbard

Whoever takes just plain ginger ale soon gets drowned out of the conversation.

Robert Heinlein

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss.

Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Mark Twain

Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied by drink.

Dean Martin

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.

Phyllis Diller

Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.

Author Unknown

How come if alcohol kills millions of brain cells, it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

P.J. O'Rourke

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health, slow your mind, make you fat - in other words, turn you into an adult.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Homer Simpson

Beer is the cause and solution to all of life's problems.

Giuseppe Garibaldi

Bacchus has drowned more men than Neptune.